Looosing my Religion

It's been a while...

I recently experienced something which I believe to be a problem for a lot of people and never thought it could actually be a problem for me.

Religion. Well, I always have been Christian. Not one of those fundamentalist born again ones but rather a moderate, open and tolerant Lutheran. No one ever forced me into it, no one ever indoctrinated me. Before that I had been Christian with a tendency towards being agnostic but then I had some key experiences which made me think and read and at the end drew me deeper into the doctrine as such and into the mysteries. I truely believed to be protected and felt sheltered.

However, all that changed. After a longer time of serious struggeling, hoping, praying, then swearing and threatening, I lost all of it. Or maybe, I lost most of it. The thing is that I do not feel that all that was crap and that (the Abrahamic) God does not exist. I just believe now that he does not care.

Now, without going into detail as to why any what, I always felt drawn towards the ancient Germanic traditions. Without becomming really a heathen, I started to come to the conclusion that Charles the great does not deserve his name at all and that he was actually the butcher and grave digger of Saxonians and their religion (and the "Germanic religion" at all). It was forced upon us. So it would be logical to get "back" into it, right. Now here is the thing, I felt - and feel somehow guilt. I feel guilty for creating and performing rituals directed towards Wodan, Donar and the other ancient Germanic gods. And I ask myself, why? From where I come I do not believe in hell or that people are doomed to burn in hell because they do not believe. I never believed in God as the punisher or the envious god. But as I said I came to the conclusion that he simply does not care. So why for gods sake (...) do I feel guilty?

Well, religion is not a question of "pick one that suits" - at least not for  me. I always get nervous when people tell me they have chosen to become x.... . You believe or not but religion rarely is a matter of reason and deciding what sounds better. It is a process, usually a long one. Logic is barely part of it.

What I (also)  feel is a loss. Like a loss of a good (maybe imaginary) friend. A friend you still feel somehow obliged to, not wanting to let him/her down. I had talked to him, discussed and yelled at him. As said before, I felt sheltered. Wodan for example is not a personal god in the same sense. It is difficult imagining the same kind of contact. At the same time I feel that the gods of our ancestors are the ones which are rather helpful - at least for the time being.

Maybe it is a problem with monotheism. In former times it was no problem to integrate "foreign" gods into your own pantheon. A few more or less did not realy matter. The Romans incorporated (if you want to say so) other gods or made them expressions of or equivalent to their own gods.

I always though that god as such revealed themself to mankind in different ways fitting to cultural situations and specifics and understanding of the people at question and so at the end of the day is the same everywhere, may it be split in their different aspects as in politheism or seen as one (or three) like in monotheism/Christianity.

But that all is logic. It should make me feel relaxed and open, not guilty. But then, when I feel that all is the same, the consequence would be that the God I believe to not to care is the same than the Nordic Gods in their various aspects and so - they would not care too, or?

Do not get me wrong, I do not feel like I may be punished, just had a bad feeling for adressing Odin. At the same time I feel the nordic Gods being more powerul, or better saying, to be stronger.

So what is this about now? Logic tells me to not care and to go as I feel. But that is the point, Logic and feeling is not the same. I have no idea how to get out of this and where this will lead to in my case. But what I can say is, you surely will not be doomed and - logically - there is nothing to be afraid of or feeling bad about when you decide to leave the usual path you were walking on. There also is no reason to fall into extremes denouncing what you have been believing before. That is even more an expression of insecurity and possibly fear. The way must be to find peace within, balance. Maybe it is easyer to deal with single aspects of the one than with the one in all its aspects and complexity. Maybe these aspects can "deal" with me according to their nature - easyer with me, my anger, fear, desires, than the whole and one together who represents all aspects together?

No idea, maybe you have any?